Baby blues

A woman I went to university with recently had a baby and she posted some pictures of Baby’s first days/hospital pics/etc online and, just as it happens when I see these pictures of my friends and relatives who are having their babies, I feel jealous. And sad. Jealous of the quiet times they got to spend with their Little Ones in the hospital all together, jealous of the coming into the world that is calm and easy and focused on things like changing diapers, not ick coming up out of the tube that winds down into baby’s tummy bringing out whatever he swallowed, or timing when the next round of cooling is going to start. 

I’m sad that we missed out on such a special experience. We went from NICU Hell to Breastfeeding Hell to Colic Hell and, while it has evened out and, even though he is still a particular little guy, life is so much easier and better and happier for all of us and I would never trade him for another baby (except maybe at 2:30 and 3:30 and 4:30 and 5:15 in the mornings). But I regret that we didn’t get our quiet together time.

And it makes me want to have another one just so we could have the Quiet Together Time that Miles didn’t get, as if it would somehow be a vindication of what we went through before.  But then there is no guarantee that we WOULD get a Quiet Time and it is all too easy now to conceive of how things could be much worse, particularly given my age, much worse for me and much worse for Baby. 

 At this point, the one we have is more than enough and at the next point, well, we are seriously hoping to adopt.

But there is still that little niggle that tugs at me everytime I see newborn pictures, that makes the tears come and that makes me wonder “What if next time…”.



5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. The Mom
    Jun 09, 2008 @ 07:50:58

    I feel the same way. But, like you, I am just grateful for the way things have turned out for him.


  2. Sharon
    Jun 09, 2008 @ 12:25:32

    Oh Michele, sad along with you. Although you went through far worse than what I did with all the NICU issues, I felt/still feel that way when I see some baby breastfeeding peacefully. Sad & jealous and wish I could have had that experience, even though now she is beautiful and healthy and smart and nobody cares or could tell whether she was breast-fed or not.


  3. ~m
    Jun 10, 2008 @ 06:56:26

    Sharon, I feel absolutely sure that if you had had the resources and support you would have been successful at breastfeeding.
    And you are right; that was just a moment..she is obviously perfectly fine for not having had the boob 🙂


  4. bejewell
    Jun 12, 2008 @ 11:26:04

    Listen, don’t fall victim to that Grass-is-greener crap. Quiet Together Time isn’t necessarily all its cracked up to be, either. Especially not when you’ve got a house full of fighting relatives and a bang-up case of post-partum depression. It all happens because its meant to happen. And you’ve survived it all, breastfeeding and colic horror stories included, with a great kid to show for it.

    Besides, your friend’s time will come. You don’t have to tell her that, but it all comes around sooner or later!


  5. ~m
    Jun 12, 2008 @ 18:54:00

    Oy! Bickering relatives AND PPD? One is definitely enough! 🙂
    Thanks for the reality check…I know that you just never know how things ‘would have been’.


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