Nothing at all

Sometimes loneliness invades you like a physical force.

It’s not that you don’t have caring friends or loving family or more than you deserve.  It’s not that the sky isn’t blue or the birds aren’t singing or babies aren’t smiling.  It’s not the lack of homely sounds, of children playing, of someone hammering, of the ice cream truck, cats purring, dogs barking, bells chiming, water dripping, car tires swishing on the hot summer or cool fall or rainy winter streets.

Maybe it’s too much caffeine, or too little.  Maybe it’s too much sugar and not enough fiber. Something you read or watched or saw and wished you hadn’t. Some action you should have taken and didn’t, some reaction you regret, some words you should have said or left unspoken.

Maybe it’s too little sleep or too much agonizing insecurity, too many demands or not enough honest hard work, too much second-guessing or too much time for useless thought.

Maybe it’s a lack of faith or a lack of confidence or the wrong phase of the moon or a subtle yet repeating glitch embedded somewhere in the software.

The feeling of suffocation. The feeling of being isolated. Or withdrawn. Or unlovable. Or tedious.

The too-much knowing of oneself, the inner conflicts, the petty desires, the shallowness that disgusts you, all that you keep hidden away from the light of day, that which threatens to consume or overwhelm or envelop, the disconnect between what you expect and the way reality actually plays out. The bitter, metallic taste and insidious despair of self-pity.  The feeling of pointless uselessness and the insipid ennervating agony of mis-matched, missed destiny, fate, fortune, predestination.

How one does go on, lingering over the slippery sadness, clutching the you-shaped sequestration tightly for a time, an eternity.

How one does go on.

 

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. nikkip
    Aug 13, 2008 @ 22:49:53

    WORD!

    (sorry about the oddness of my affirmation of this post, but that’s what came to me as i was reading)

    thanks, m.

    Reply

  2. ~m
    Aug 14, 2008 @ 06:54:53

    Nikki, i’m glad you understood what I was trying to say. I think that everyone feels like this at times and yet we all feel like we are so alone in our feeling!

    Reply

  3. The Mom
    Aug 15, 2008 @ 07:57:56

    Most of us feel like this most of the time, and, believe me, it doesn’t get any better with age!!

    Reply

  4. natalie
    Aug 15, 2008 @ 08:17:59

    this was perfectly written. i know we’ve all been there, but when you are there it feels so strange. the nothingness of that place. i’ve been there recently myself so i appreciate your description. thanks!

    Reply

  5. ~m
    Aug 15, 2008 @ 08:56:58

    Mom and Natalie: I think that it is part of being a human. Who knows what other factors deal in? Sometimes it lasts for a few minutes or hours, sometimes for days…and for some, weeks, months, or until they can get help.

    sometimes it doesn’t help to get it out in words but at least then it’s out there and not inside.

    Reply

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