I can’t settle to things on days like today. I flit from thing to thing. Unloading the dishwasher, I’ll realize that I had meant to do something else.  Go and do that and you forget about the dishwasher. Don’t go anddo it andyou forget about whatver-it-was.


Little baby bugaboo has taken a page out of his older brother’s book and decided he needs to be walked to settle during the night.

Last night he woke up every hour or more.

I feel great.

By the time I get over being cranky from sleep deprivation, I’ll be pre-menopausal and cranky. My boys will never know me as not cranky.

My poor little boys.

That makes me want to cry but then everything makes me want to cry after a night like last night.

Four years+ is a long time to go without un-interrupted sleep. I’m just sayin’.

I kinda wish I had started this parenting experiment a lot sooner.  Then maybe I would have at least had a few not-cranky years to give my boys.

Going to go make more coffee…




In the last hour before it was time to get up, not only did Ollie come and pester me AT LEAST three times, I also had THIS dream:

I had woken up and gotten up and was waiting for Little Babykins to wake up.  Before he did, I had to finish writing the quiz that I would be giving that morning to the class I was TAing in as well as study for 2 tests in 2 of my own classes and finish an assignment that I hadn’t gotten to.

MEANWHILE, as I go to clean the litter boxes, I find that Ollie has peed some kind of gelatinous yellow goo all over the floor BECAUSE BOTH litter boxes are not only full to overflowing, they are so full that the litter has melted down into a highly disgusting litter/poop/cat pee mush.

I begin to let forth several choice words and IMMEDIATELY my mom, who is getting ready to leave and go back to her house and NOT helping me for some reason, she immediately starts scolding me because Miles has copycatted the words I just said and that will NEVER DO and what am I teaching that child?!

AND I realize that I will have to drop at least one class to be able to cope with all the things I have to do.

And then I woke up.

And was VERY relieved.

Regression; Or, why I Haven’t Had More than 2 Hours of Sleep in a Row for What Seems Like Forever

For those of you playing along at  home, you will remember that sleep has never been the Tyrant’s very strong point. But there have been spells where it has been better than others.

One of the others would be right now.

For the past 3 and a half weeks the Tyrant has been waking up every hour and a half at the end of his sleep cycle and can’t or won’t go back to sleep without nursing. Which makes it hard to sleep for Mrs Fussy Crankypants, particularly when he’s not the world’s most careful latcher.

It’s like having a newborn all over again. Except bigger and louder.

Mrs FC sometimes doesn’t know if she is going to survive and thinks she has only survived this far because for half of the time this has been going on, she’s been staying at places where she could send Miles out when he wakes up and get another hour or two of sleep herself. It not only makes her crabbier and crankier than she wants to be, it makes her eat nonstop as well as she constantly shovels food—usually sugar—into her gaping maw mouth to stay awake.

Mrs Fussy Crankypants does not know what to do about this issue at this point. She certainly never set out to be in this position and is superlatively slightly horrified that she now is . If this behavior is related to the stress of moving (which the Tyrant hasn’t manifested in any kind of other behavior) then night weaning would just cause that much more stress, which Mrs FC frankly feels is unfair. Night weaning is going to be a huge calamity in his life and Mrs FC for one is not necessarily looking forward to how it will affect The Tyrant while he adjusts. And as Mrs FC is the one who will be dealing with the fall-out, she feels that she is the one who must consider that step with GREAT care.

 Also, she is not sure how to go about it. Theoretically, Mrs FC would have Mr Fussy Crankypants take over all night duties for a few weeks but now that he is commuting 3 – 4 hours everyday Mrs FC feels like would affect his cranky ability to drive crankily safely.

If she knew that it would resolve in a week or a few weeks, that the Tyrant would reach the point where he could or was willing to get back into a deeper sleep without using Mrs FC as a human pacifier, then she would just hang in there. But she is also afraid that the longer they go along, the more the Tyrant will lose his ability to settle himself. Two to 3 night wakings Mrs FC can do; 5, 6 or more are driving her certifiably and crankily insane crazy.

The next couple weeks, Mrs FC will be places where she will be able to send Himself out in the mornings while she catches some more sleep. Then after then, she’ll at least have Mr FC start splitting the night shift again, something that has gone by the wayside as while Mr FC was away before the move, the Tyrant forgot about having him help at night and just won’t settle now without Mrs FC‘s cranktabulous yelling in the night.

But don’t mind her, she’s just sleep deprived.

Mrs FC will now go mope more and also drink coffee and she apologizes for the long and tedious rant and maybe next time she’ll post some jolly Christmas photos instead of whinging ad nauseum about this mind-numbingly dull topic.

Addendum:  Coffee drunk, chocolate eaten, feeling better. Thanks for playing!

Sleep and what it means

So for the past two years and a little more I have, with very few exceptions, been getting an average of 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night.  Sometimes we go through spells where I get 4 and on some nights I get 5 (there have been an occasional, unheard of 6 hr stretches but those are few and far between).

At some levels I have adjusted to this type of sleep, in which the only thing you are sure of is that you will be awakened out of sound sleep to tend to the needs of another. I can function now much better (but perhaps not with more patience) than the first 6 months or year of this.  There are times when we get into a sleeping pattern with T covering the nighttime soothing until 2:30 or so and me taking over from there and I even feel well rested.  There are times when even though I wake to nurse Miles even every hour, I can fell decently-rested because he has settled right back down again.

But the majority of times I do not feel well-rested, I merely feel functional.

(I would just like to take this opportunity to point out that being awakened at odd, random times during your sleep cycle is really not the same as waking fully up during the regular cycling pattern of your own sleep cycle, no matter how many times you may wake up with that.  That at least is cyclical; your body has processed through a cycle; the other is what they do to prisoners.)

As I was saying.

So here we are. tonight is one of those up-for-2-or-3-hours nights but instead of spending it stumbling around in the dark walking in the TT’s room or lying on the bed getting more and more frustrated, tonight is one of those nights where we just get up and do something. In my case, computer time while the TT is choosing to color, with a little prompting on my part.

The point of all of this is to say this: I am actually worried about my blood pressure.  Often as I go to sleep it is to the feel of a high pulse and when I wake up during the night to tend to Miles, my pulse just races and races like I’ve been running full-on.  It worries me.  I also worry about the ramifications of this on having another child.  I do not want to put myself at risk merely for the sake of creating another child, no matter how beautiful and wonderful that ;might be. There are other ways to increase family.

So I just googled the effects of sleep on blood pressure and wouldn’t you know it I found that:

Epidemiologic studies have shown an association between self-reported short sleep duration and higher blood pressure. Other studies have shown increased blood pressure after partial or total sleep deprivation, suggesting that sleep loss might lead to increased sympathetic nervous activity and higher blood pressure

according to this site.

But now that I know that my son’s inability to sleep is causing me physical problems beyond lack of patience and a craving for chocolate, I am faced with knowledge I can’t do anything with.  At this point, night weaning is unreasonable given our present situation and I want to make sure the TT is fully adjusted to a new place before starting anything as stressful as that.  The other issue is that I have no idea if night weaning will do anything to make him sleep better since there doesn’t seem to be much correlation between him waking up and needing to feed.

and now we are having a toddler melt-down because yes, he actually IS tired even tho he doesn’t want to sleep so we will go try again to get settled for another few hours.

Another Reason I Co-sleep

Because my wiggly little boy is hardly ever still and I know that the moments that he snuggles up close to me at night are fleeting and precious, that in not very long from now he will squirm away from my hugs and roll his eyes if I try to give him a smooch.  The times when he curls up against me looking for comfort almost make up for all the rolling and tossing and turning and  noises and 3 hours awake at night times.

Because when I dream, like last night, that the gate to our new white picket fence, the fence on which I rely so heavily  now to protect my son from wandering off and out into the street, that gate in my dream was left unlatched and in  my dream I saw that it was open and that my son was no where to be found. In my dream he had vanished without sight or sound and no one could tell me that they had seen him and I couldn’t find him anywhere despite crying his name, despite driving around looking for him even though i could only drive in one direction at once when what i really needed to do was go in all directions at once.  to find him as soon as possible. 

But even in my dream I could reach out and touch his warm, little body right next to me and know that I was only dreaming, that my mind was telling me to still be cautious despite the new fence, that no matter how comfortable I might want to get, parenting a toddler takes constant vigilance.

Because when he himself began crying out, sobbing tears in his sleep as if he felt my dream distress (actually, I think he was just cold but the other sounds more poetic, right?), I could just put my arm out and draw him closer and feel warm and cozy, loving him with all my might, breaking through his unconsciousness and comforting him without hardly moving.

That is why I co-sleep. 

Because when it works (ie, when he actually sleeps in bed), it works amazingly and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Dear Miles

Dear Miles,

I’m glad you can use hundreds of words. I’m glad you can spell your name out loud and count to 15 (almost. that pesky 13 is certainly a pain to sneak in there).  I’m glad you can accurately name a trapezoid, a helicopter, a bulldozer. 

I’m glad you are (usually) nice to the kitties and that you can kick a ball and that you love the slide, that you can leap tall buildings with a single bound and are faster than a speeding bullet (that part? yes, true. especially in a crowded public area).

I’m glad you like to read books and are interested in mama’s flowers (ok, that’s a mixed blessing, it’s true)


Enough with the not sleeping already.  I was just getting ready to tell the world how you had turned a corner. the first week of this month was amazingly restful.  Not unbroken sleep, it’s true, but just nursing and back to calm slumber.  I felt rested and peaceful and on top of the world. And also, patient and like I was the world’s most awesome mama.  And now?  Stop with the 2 and 3 hour night wakings!  I know you think it’s fun.  I know that because you TELL me that. Funny!  Haha!  Mama! Funny!

But, no. It’s not funny.  I like the OTHER Miles better, the sleeping one.  You probably like me A LOT better, too, when I am not morphing into Mrs Fussy Crankypants (altho an ice cold latte or other coffee-based frou-frou drink that I did not have to make myself goes a long way toward stopping the transformation dead cold).

So here’s to sleep, my young son.  Why not give the rapid development a break?  Slow down a bit, enjoy the sleep. You’ll learn all that other stuff eventually, like reading and writing and how to put together a train engine. It’s not a race.

So try some nice sleep. It’s really nice. I promise.



Tuesday & the underwhelming urge to be fit



Whole Grain Zucchini Parmesan Pancakes

Growing up, my mom’s zucchini (yes, zucchini) pancakes were always a treat for me, mostly due, probably, to the parmesan in them 🙂

1 c. any mixture of grain flours (I used whole wheat, flaxmeal, and quinoa today)
1 c. milk
2 eggs
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp baking powder
1 med zucchini, shredded
1/4 c parmesan (or more. why not?)
dash pepper

1. Mix
2. Cook
3. Eat.

Makes about 8 pancakes.

Today, Emily (remember Emily? Hi, Emily! I didn’t forget about the 7 things I LOVE) wrote about feeling discouraged about her fitness program that she has recently started (did I mention that Emily is about a size 2 and most likely only needs to lose weight in her little finger, if at all?).

I have been thinking about this for myself. Not that I am doing X-stretch or “shred” (whatever THAT may be. sounds dangerous to me) or anything remotely difficult. In fact, I can hardly motivate myself to go for a walk even when the weather is beautiful like it has been this week and yet we are constantly  made to feel guilty for not getting at least 1/2 hour of exercise every single blessed day.  Who has time for that? Who has the energy? Not mamas of little ones, IMHO.

I blame mothering toddlers. No, really, I do.  It just kinds of saps your motivation for pretty  much anything, especially the sleep deprivation part.

I’d like to lose about 8 more pounds to get where I was before I got pregnant w/ Miles and before I put on the 10 pounds I put on before I got pregnant with Miles.  I’d like to do that before getting pregnant again (IF that ever happens). 


I know full well how good exercise is for me, how well it makes me feel and how happy I am when I can wear certain clothes without feeling constricted.  But that may all have to wait until I have navigated these uncharted toddler waters. And if that means that for the next 6 years I don’t exercise as regularly and as consistently as I should and as we are told we should every time we turn around, well, I’m not going to feel guilty about it.

So there.

I’d much rather eat brownies, anyway, and if that is what it takes to survive, so be it.

Parmesan Pancakes?  Brownies? Bring it on! I’m ready!

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